On fear of perception

It took me a long time to “wake up” to the realization that I was scared of being perceived.

I’ll do my best to explain, but it’s relatively complex.

I grew up with no friends, and so devoid of human interactions, that I was scared to be seen eating alone in the lunchroom at my high school (2,000 students, ~500 per grade), that I used to eat lunch alone in a bathroom stall then go to the library use the computers during lunch period.

But to do so, I need to brave the lunchroom floor to get to the person in charge of allowing students to “sign out” to go to the library, and ask for their blessing.

I can’t really describe it, so I’ll just say it sucked. Big time.

But, as I’ve come to realize more about the true nature of reality as we know it, I’ve come to the conclusion you must rid yourself of as much fear of perception as possible.

One way I practice is by wearing sunglasses without prescriptions in them, or simply wearing none at all. I call it “blurry mode”. When I’m in this state, I can’t see where anyone’s eyes are focused, how attractive or powerful they appear, and I find my human interactions are simply far more relaxing and enjoyable when in it. I’ll give you an example:

Recently, my good friend Hunter Isaacson (NGL, Bags, Wink, etc.) threw a party that had probably 30ish young entrepreneurs (people from what’s called the “internet money” community) and about 200 college students from the University of Miami.

Putting aside other people for a moment, I can promise you that “past me” would have spent the whole night anxiously trying to make friends with all these people and maybe trying to get the attention of a cute girl.

But present me? Well, I put my prescription glasses on the center of an outdoor table in the middle of the party minutes after arriving, and forgot them at the party when I left that night. :)

And instead of playing “attention games” — instead, because everyone saw me interesting with the hosts, most confident-seeming men, and a few attractive influencer girls in Hunter and I’s miami crew, I spent the whole night witnessing guys and girls there trying to get my attention. And it was awesome — I met many cool people and had many thought provoking conversations.

But look — I know it’s not that easy. And unfortunately, it seems most people today suffer from many all to common anxieties — their physical appearance, their financial health, their sense of style, etc. So, it’s a multi-variate equation, and each person has a different set of challenges to overcome to rid themselves of the anxiety.

But overtime, I was able to essentially conquer them all.

Despite my negative canthal tilt and large nose, my two facial features I’ve been most self conscious of since learning a bit about the science of facial attractiveness in 2018, and my lack of muscle mass, I’ve eventually become comfortable with my features.

Despite my lack “wealth”, I’ve come to realize the real measure of a man is character, not money, and that seem to be enjoying life far more than most of my traditionally “wealthy” friends.

And with regards to approval from people generally, arguably my primary childhood trauma, I’ve come to realize I have way more friends now than I ever could have wished for & that if you called all ~200 clients I’ve had the past 12/13 years, whether the campaign succeeded or failed (most failed), virtually every single one would say good things about me.

And as a matter of fact, I can tell you that very it was actually that realization that really allowed go very far with my personal growth journey the past 10/12 months since starting therapy for the first time as an adult end of last year (shoutout to Sharyn — she’s the best).

It was around January when I started waking up calm for the first time in my life. It was a result of the combination of therapy, my agency at the time having been steady at $40-60k/mo in revenue for about 6 months, and two weeks incredible investors backing my new startup (Naval Ravikant via Spearhead & Cyan Bannister via Long Journey Ventures).

But, I didn’t start being able to maintain the calm until much more recently, I would lose it.

And ya know, it’s really funny. You can walk into almost any retail store in the world, and if you ask someone working there what they want they’ll reliably discuss freedom — freedom to travel, eat whatever you want, get any home/apartment, etc. In other words, money.

And all you have to tell them is that you know sad and depressed billionaires for their brains to break for a moment before they realize that they might be playing the wrong game(s).

It really makes you wonder what freedom even is, if you think about it deeply.

Do you want freedom? Or do you really want good friends and a good life? And to be able to walk into a party without a care in the world and have everyone excitedly approach you? Because I wouldn’t call those things forms of “freedom”. You could be pedantic say technically they are , but ya know, calm down.

Freedom to relax? Stop caring, go intuitive. Freedom to have good friends? Or simply “be nice and interesting”. Freedom to make money? Good, you already have it. Want the numbers on your screens to go up so you can sleep easier, buy a large box, or whatever — go head, all the information is on YouTube and Google and in the Ai algorithm and all you gotta do is try, try, and try again and do your best to internalize all the lessons on way there to end up just fine.

So do you want freedom, or the good life? Idk, but good luck, and try worrying less.

🤷🏻‍♂️